Safety

Note: This was written March 2019 and reprised here in part because I became interested in following the Iditarod (currently running in Alaska) out of love for my long-legged, run-crazy dog Jasper. With Jasper now in treatment for thyroid carcinoma, I enjoyed this flashback to a time when I imagined Jasper in harness. Also of note, this essay was written in response to a writing prompt: “safety.”

Safety is the penultimate checkpoint for mushers before crossing the finish line in Nome. The dogs, usually Alaskan Huskies, have run, loped, or trotted 977 miles from their starting point in Anchorage. They can bed down here, get veterinary care if they need it. 

Most mushers “blow through” Safety, completing the required check-in and mushing on. They are a mere 22 miles from Nome, 3 to 4 hours — in dog time — from the finish line, from the blast of the siren signaling them into the final ramp to the burled arch and the cheering crowd. Ecstasy, hugs all round, protein snacks for the dogs, and then sleep and a shower in some order. This year, the second-place team barreled into Nome in 2 hours, setting the speed record at more than 10 miles per hour. Because the musher had something to prove after coming up short for the win.

Sometimes, Safety becomes a place of respite. The team has come across the infamous “blow hole,” actually a series of natural wind tunnels which can be quite violent. Teams can move through a hurricane-force gale with blowing snow and zero visibility and come suddenly into absolute calm — or vice versa — again and again over several miles of wind-blown drifts and treeless trail. 

At this point in the Iditarod, mushers have been racing a minimum of 8 or 9 days, and the back-of-the pack 12 or 13 days. Sleep-deprived, fingers, toes and cheeks frost-bitten from the extreme cold, their minds are fogged over with fatigue and misery. Some hallucinate cat heads or red-eyed monsters. With luck, the monster turns into a trail marker instead of an angry moose. Rookie or seasoned veteran, they all face the same — some say the worst of the Iditarod.

Sometimes, Safety becomes the place where it all ends. This year, a musher with 49 finishes to his credit became disoriented, his team unable to find the trail in whiteout conditions. They circled for hours before the sled became stuck on driftwood and the musher, already suffering from the beginnings of pneumonia at the age of 77, lacked the strength to move the sled and gathered his dogs around him, his throat tightened with fear.

A musher passing by in the distance saw the reflector on the stranded sled but couldn’t stop his team and decided the best he could do was alert officials at nearby Safety.

A second musher saw the same and was able to turn his team to find the alarming cluster of curled up dogs, disabled sled and befuddled leader. There was no option for moving musher or dog team to the cabin in Safety. The fierceness of the wind and the profound stiffness of their fingers prevented them from opening up their sleeping bags.

And so they stood together in a tight embrace, as close as lovers, moving their feet and talking, laughing even, to stay awake and to stay alive. For now, at least. When the corneas of their eyes started to freeze, the outcome seemed grim.

Then, a bit of luck. A trio of fat-tire bicyclists (yes, bicyclists out in 50 degrees below zero) saw the dogs, saw the sleds, saw the huddled mass of frozen humanity — and stopped. One of the mushers had a satellite phone in his bag but hadn’t been able to push the buttons to call for help. The mushers also had an emergency device meant to signal the need for rescue. In their fog and their frozenness, neither had sent out an SOS. The bicyclists were able to call the wife of one musher already waiting at the finish line and to signal the Iditarod officials about the urgent need for rescue.

Out of Safety roared two snow machines. The men were saved, the dogs mushed on to Nome.

The second musher — the one who stopped, the one who saved the first — had the option, could have mushed his own dog team to Nome. It was only 22 miles, 3 or 4 hours from Safety to the finish line. He’d announced at the start it would be his last Iditarod. He’d come this far, 977 miles, 10 days. His dogs were healthy and pulling at their traces. They wanted to go!

He said he couldn’t leave his friend, wanted to make sure he was safe.

holding on

“How is he doing?” People ask. Multiple times a day. 

There’s the short version: He’s holding his own. 

The longer version: Yes, he’s holding his own, and I watch him every day to see how he might be experiencing his life. Do his ears perk up when I ask if he wants to come up on my bed at night? Does he move his arthritic haunches with a bit of enthusiasm for the food put down in his bowl? 

What do I see in his face, his eyes? Is he still connected? To me, to being outdoors?

He recognizes when I am preparing to take him on the long drive to the vet hospital for his treatments. He stands and looks at me without moving. Even when I call him and lift my voice.

“Let’s go! We’re going outside! We’re going for a walk!”

Um, no thank you. His eyes are not eager, his feet do not move. There is no bounce in his step when we get to the car. He knows what we’re doing, and he’d rather not. 

People say “He’ll let you know.”

So far, I think he’s still in it. He’s still eating well, drinking well. He doesn’t cry out in his sleep or moan when he navigates the stairs. 

Mostly, I think he’s still here for me. I am his person, and he is loathe to leave me. 

I hope I will know when it is time to let him go.

feelings overwhelm

Feelings overwhelm.
Don’t ask me to bare my heart.
Too much pain lives there.

***

Right now, I feel the limit of the horizon before me.

I have some time with my furry boy. And yet, it seems to extend the time of grieving. 

I’m having a hard time being in the moment when I feel “the end” rushing up on me.

I want to take joy in the moments we have, and yet I’m struggling to feel anything.

After the flood of tears and “anticipatory grief” and the intensity of diagnosis/treatment options/decision-making, my brain and my heart are just tired. I am craving respite from the ongoing drama of life approaching death.

I’m struggling with how to “be” in this moment. 

A part of me wants to shut down. Another part wants to take joy in each moment he is able to sit in the sunshine and turn his head toward me and gaze into my eyes.

And then there’s the part that just want to break things.

How do I stay in the posture of love and gratitude when the life of my beloved friend is slipping away from me?

finding the words

What are the words to honor a companion of 14 years? 
Is poetry the way to say goodbye? 
Heartfelt words to convey the meaning of our time together?

Perhaps on the way to the appointment today.
I may find words to comfort my anticipated grief. 

What he wants is a tasty treat, a friendly pet, brush strokes along his flanks. 
What I want is to find out the local vet was wrong,
his breathing is fine,
there is no concerning mass in his throat or thyroid. 
Not yet. 

If he were suffering, I would know it was time. 

He’s still eating, drinking, climbing up and down the rocks behind my house to reach the little creek. 

I want one more summer of him lying in the water to cool off.
One more autumn of turning leaves and nature’s reminder to let go. 

I will do what needs to be done. 
My promise to him.
I will not fail.

Still, I want more time.
To offer treats and pets and comforting strokes of the brush. 

A little more time to find the words.

silence

I am sorry
For my silence. 

A part of me
Sees your name
And panics.

In my gut
In my chest
Swirls of fear

Heart races
Breath shortens
“Run away, run away,”
The voice in my head
Shouts.

Snap shut.
Turn away.
Will myself
To stop thinking
Stop the retching,
Think of anything else.

And because I know not
What to do,
What to say,
How to stop the panic …

I am silent.

dying & living

I dreamed I’d been told I was dying. 
Then I dreamed I wrote a poem about this dream of dying.
I’m not sure I care that much about my dying. 
I am currently more concerned with my living. 

Pádraig Ó Tuama released a new book last week, Being Here: Prayers for Curiosity, Justice, and Love. My books are mostly electronic these days — easier for my eyes, easier to carry, easier to copy quotes as well. Not this one. This one is a small, hardcover version that now sits next to my laptop. The quote that guides me: 

… this is a way of living
That’s worth living daily.

A book of daily liturgies and essays, it’s both ancient and fresh. Both an art form and an invitation to be present in the messy, complicated fabric of our life. 

And that is what concerns me. My messy, complicated life. How I am living in this moment. I don’t have a lot of time or energy for my dying. 

Should I?

I wonder if I am waiting for my living to be up to some standard I’ve not yet achieved, therefore I’m not ready to think of my dying.

I don’t feel troubled by the thought of my dying. There are no mountains I’ve yet to climb before I’m ready to bid farewell. 

Except this sense that I still need to strip away this veneer of control to experience true freedom. Some final act of surrender so that I can experience real peace.

I’ve begun a practice of sitting with a small glass timepiece. It’s an hourglass — transparent sea-green glass with smooth, flowing sand that measures exactly five minutes. At least once a day, and often more, I turn the glass and watch and wait. The rules are simple: My eyes remain focussed on the sand, my body remains still. No matter what thought occurs, no matter was sound tempts me to turn and look. I watch the sand and I breathe. 

It surprises me how difficult it is to remain focussed on just the sand and my breathing. For five minutes! It’s as if the turning of the earth depends on my busily making notes and organizing my calendar and solving all the large and small matters that draw my attention. 

This is what I mean. How am I living? And what is the time of my life worth? To me, most of all? 

What of life am I missing in the volumes of notes and the calendar dates and the matters that distract me from being present to the moment I’m in right now?

What does it look like to live slowly, deeply, mindful of the play of light on the tall grasses outside my window?

What is the peace of sitting without doing anything worthy or useful?

What might happen if I focussed on writing poetry or drawing a sketch of the birds  at my feeder or listening to the sound of water rushing over rocks?

I might be ready to think about my dying. 

Stopping

I begin again,
listening.

What is the word 
that wants to be
written on my heart?

Not for always.
Maybe just for
today.

Beloved, perhaps.
“Beloved is where we begin,”
the poet said.

Forgiven, perhaps.
For the things I do,
or don’t do.

Serenity, perhaps.
Freedom from wanting
things to be different.

Perhaps, today,
I begin again
a thousand times,
*stopping*
as the place where
I begin.

Stopping
the struggle,
the thrashing about,
the trying to get it right.

Stopping.
Breathing.
Listening.

It is enough.